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Bloopers

There is no doubt that Sex Work has changed my life- mostly for the good. One of the things I like the most about it is that I've turned into a more interesting person with even more interesting stories. One of my likeable personality traits is my ability to find humour in seemingly bad situations, so this is pretty much what this post is all about. All the bad, weird and funny experiences compiled together. Stories are all true, but I have tweaked names and details to retain privacy of my clients.


Elevator Love

So this was one of my very first bookings as a private escort. This gentleman politely messaged me after seeing my advertisement online and we soon arranged a date at my incall hotel in Brisbane. Now, a big mistake I made when I first started private escorting was not asking for the payment upfront. Anyway, everything went very smoothly. He was a lovely, respectful client and even brought some champagne for us to share. At the end of the booking, I fuddled my way to the door to see him out. I started cleaning up when I thought 'F*ck- the money!!' I had totally forgotten about the payment. I rang his phone a few times, hoping he hadn't left the foyer but he did not pick up. For a moment, I had kind of just settled on the fact that he probably did a runner and I accepted it as a lesson learned for next time. But no- he thankfully texted me back and apologetically explained we had such a fun time that it had completely crossed his mind. I got into the elevator and met him in the foyer. To be a bit more discrete, he jumped into the elevator to quickly make the cash exchange. As he handed me the cash, I clumsily went to stuff it into my pocket and dropped it all on the floor. At that moment, someone else stepped into the elevator and it started heading up. I quickly picked up the notes and stuffed them in my pocket, the other guy stepped out at his floor (probably incredible confused) and my client and I burst out laughing.


A Shart to Remember

Since entering this world, I have quickly become acquainted with a service known as a Golden Shower (Google it if you don't know what this is). It's surprisingly more commonly requested than I had thought, but this particular client inadvertently raised the bar. This story begins during a FMTY (Fly Me To You) in Sydney with one of my lovely regular clients. After a bit of lovemaking, we decided to take a break and he offered me a sensual massage. I will never refuse a massage, so within a couple of seconds, I was flat on my stomach, ready to go. He starts rubbing my shoulders and slowly makes his way down to my inner thigh when I feel a 'splat' on my leg. I turned around and I asked "Did you just ejaculate on my leg". He looked mortified and said "You'd better jump in the shower". I was incredibly confused but did as he told me. He came in and confessed apologetically "I am so sorry, I feel incredibly embarrassed but I sharted on you." I couldn't help but burst out laughing. So that was the day I experienced my first 'brown shower'.


A Little Too Late

This story starts three years ago, during my brief stint on Seeking Arrangement. I planned to meet a Sugar Daddy for an exchange of cash for sexual favours. When I arrived at his apartment, he opened his banking app and immediately transferred me the amount we had agreed on, showed me the receipt and we then proceeded into the bedroom. I will admit that I didn't really enjoy the date that much. He was very unhygienic and kept persuading me to do things I didn't want to do. But in the back of my head I reminded myself that this will be paying for two week's rent (which was due the next day) and that is what kept me going. When I got home, I checked my bank account and noticed the money had not gone through. I texted him my concern but the messages kept bouncing, so I assumed he had blocked me. A few days passed and I still hadn't received anything. I was very upset- not so much about the lack of money, but because I felt deceived and used by this man.

Anyway, almost three years later I receive a notification that I had received money into my bank account. I was not expecting any money on this day, so I checked the transaction but still did not recognise the sender's name. I did a quick google search, found a Linked In profile that matched his name and a photo appeared of that same man who scammed me those three years ago. I still have no explanation fo this. Just to make the coincidences even scarier- I actually passed this man at the traffic lights in Southbank a few days after this transaction happened.


Stranger Things

Since we are on the topic of coincidences, here's another brief one... I had this client who I had met once in Brisbane and had been persistent to meet again during a business trip to Melbourne. He was actually a nice guy but I had been ignoring him because he had been trying to negotiate my rates. One morning, he asked me if I was available to see him and I said no. I turned off my phone and went out for brunch by myself to one of my favourite cafes in Melbourne. As the waiter sat me down at the booth, I hear 'Jasmine? Is that you?' Sitting right next to me is this client. I was pretty tempted to run out of the cafe, but my coffee cravings convinced me to stay. So I endured a lovely 30 minutes chatting to this guy who I had tried so hard to avoid for the past few weeks. Not sure if this is a coincidence or I have a stalker and should be greatly concerned...


The Virgin

This is another story from my early and naive days as an escort. I had received an enquiry from a young guy, about 19 years old, who was wanting to lose his virginity. Initially, I convinced him that it wasn't a good idea to lose it to an escort, but he was pretty persistent so I accepted his request. I was staying at the Sofitel on Collins and gave him instructions to meet me at the bottom of the lifts. Upon meeting him, I could sense he was incredibly nervous. He would not make eye contact with me and his mind was so scattered that he could not hold a simple conversation. I felt awful and gave him an opportunity to leave with no payment owing to me, but again, he persisted to go upstairs to my room. I did my best to make him feel comfortable and gave him yet another opportunity to leave. He ignored me and turned on the TV and watched football. A painful hour was nearly up so I tried to make a move but he pushed me away and told me he was not ready yet. I had another client coming in an hour and a half and I was bloody hungry. He asked if he could stay for another hour. I hastily agreed on the condition that I can get room service. He watched his football for another 45 minutes, then I asked him if he wanted to try again and we eventually made it happen. Afterwards, I felt a lot of guilt and shame and I was aching for him to be gone. I had a shower, came out and asked him for the money (yes, #1 escorting rookie error) and he handed me $300. I told him that my 2 hourly rate is a lot more than that, but he claimed that we only had sex for 20 minutes that he only owed me this amount. I facepalmed. At this point, I wanted him out of my room so badly that I couldn't be bothered arguing and just told him to leave.

Silly-Fuss (The Virgin, part 2)

Now, this client (the Virgin) is the gift that keeps on giving. A couple of months later, I was enjoying a Friday evening drink with a good friend, when out of the blue, the Virgin texted me and told me that I had given him syphillis. I could feel the blood rushing from my face. I am very meticulous about my health, and had been for a checkup since seeing this client that had come back all clean. I have never had an STD and while I have done extensive research in recognising and preventing them, I had never thought I would get to the stage where I would need to treat one. I was freaking out. Nonetheless, if the Virgin had contracted this STD- I was clearly to blame. I would also need to write an embarrassing but necessary text message to every client I had seen. This could have a serious impact on my reputation. The next day, I schedule an appointment with a doctor and explained the situation. The doctor started to question the situation- given that this particular STD is incredibly rare in Australia and that my last test was about 6 weeks after meeting the Virgin (which should have been more than enough time for it to show up). She mentioned that false positive results are actually more common than the disease itself and suggested for my friend to get re-tested. She gave me a pathology script to be safe. I explained what my doctor had said to the Virgin and asked him to see his doctor again for a re-test. He then told me that he hadn't been to the doctor at all yet and that he had just had a sore throat. I screamed. I was so angry. Not had I spent my Friday night in a state of immense distress, but I had spent most of my Saturday morning at the medical clinic as well for his self-diagnosis. I had my re-test and of course, all clean (as always)- but I gave this guy an earful and I haven't heard from him since.


Spongebob

I have very recently been introduced to menstrual sponges. They are pretty common among sex workers, but I have always been a bit hesitant about using them due to the fear of not being about to get it out. I explained to one of my regular and extremely easy going clients that I was trying out these sponges and he was happy to be my guinea pig. The sponge was actually more comfortable than a tampon and neither of us had any awareness that it was there. There was no mess, so it was pretty successful. While he was getting dressed, I went into the shower to try and remove it. My fears had been manifested- I could feel it but I couldn't grip it to pull it out. My client noticed I had been gone for a while and asked if I was ok. I told him I couldn't get the sponge out. He said to lie on the bed and relax while he fished around. I couldn't help but laugh at this weird situation- my client pulling out my period sponge, and ironically, I think the laughing actually helped push it out. After a bit of fiddling around we succeeded. He emailed me later that night and cheekily thanked me for the very memorable date.


I hope you found these stories as amusing as I did. As much as the terrible bookings pain me at the time, they do make the best stories later on, especially if you can find a humorous side to them. Have you had any weird or bad Sex Worker stories? Feel free to share in the comments below.




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